Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
