Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
birth control should be required to get into college
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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