The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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