Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
