Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
