Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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