In the future we'll all be gay
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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