It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
