The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
People in love make me want to vomit
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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