toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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