Kiss
Puke
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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