You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
