Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
