shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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