The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
