All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
