I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
