My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
