i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize