your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
