Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
