I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
