From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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