we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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