I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
