2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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