in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
