i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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