I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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