Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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