You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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