I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
