Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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