i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
