If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i out mim tonsoeep
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
