he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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