I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
