i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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