so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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