Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
