I just threw up on my dentist
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
