My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
