Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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