nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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