Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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