My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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