She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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