Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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