Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
