How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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