My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
