You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
