I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
