i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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