If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
