you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
