Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
